Hellton Hash
by Trikat
Summary: Mature for a later chapter. My first time writing a fanfiction, please bear with me. Sorry.
1. Chapter 1

I made some changes in the plotline/characters which I'll explain at the beginning when they crop up. It's easier that way, right? In this first chapter what's important is that Pitts is extremely out of character. I made him into this dumb jock type of guy that's probably not supposed to be in the club but I think that's just because when I saw the movie the first time he was taller than the rest (which I somehow equate to being stupid. No offense, I know that's wrong). Another thing: I switched around Todd's birthday and when Charlie brings the girls over. Er… another-nother thing: Bathrooms are in their rooms. Fancy, eh? This chapter has the most changes from the original plot. But I'll stop yapping for now, try to enjoy the story.

~Kachow~

"…Of cloudless climes and starry skies;

All that's best of dark and bright,

Meet in her aspect and her eyes."

Almost in unison, the Dead Poets Society rolled their eyes. With Cameron, it was accompanied with an elitist scowl. Knox, a brief contemplation on how well poetry would work on Christ; Meeks, a disbelieving shake of the head; Pitts, an empty, roguish grin; Neil, a glance towards Todd; and Todd, a glance towards Neil. The eye-contact had a conspiratorial air to it, one of understanding that Charlie would just have to be Charlie for the time being.

A small pause was created before a breathy voice saturated with cooing admiration punctured it. The meeting recommenced afterwards, but it felt off with two girls in their midst. The boys were unusually well behaved and put on a great show of maturity. Far too many Shakespearian love sonnets were enticingly read.

God save Todd from those shrill giggles. Nearly none of the poems performed were comical, yet both Gloria and Tina apparently found something terribly humorous in many of the poems. As far as Todd could see, the only funny moment he could discern was when Pitts gave a heart-wrenching rendition of a romantic tragedy. His rather brutish face and lack of intelligence ruined the effect for the society (who respectfully hid their snickers behind their hands), but the girls lapped it up as they lapped up all the attention poured on them.

Soon enough, however, the meeting came to an end and Charlie gave them each a quick kiss goodbye. Jogging back to campus, the following conversation ensued.

"Charlie, why the _hell_ did you bring those girls?" Neil demanded.

"What? It's as much my club as yours. Don't get all high and mighty to me."

"He's not using his power as a higher authority to chastise you, he's using his authority as a member of the club. We all agree, that was too risky of you to do without consulting us first," Meeks explained on Neil's behalf. Idly, Todd remarked in his head about how weird it was that Charlie consented to be called his birth name rather than Nuwanda. If he wasn't feeling confident enough to correct them, he must be pretty sheepish about all this. Get ready for defense mode.

"Shut up, Meeks! Was I talking to you? Besides, it's not like you didn't want them there. I saw you eyeing Tina," Charlie spat.

Both Meeks and Pitts reddened. Earlier in the evening, they had eagerly bragged to the ladies about their radio. How were they supposed to refrain from showing off for girls? They were only high school boys, some slack would have been appreciated.

Cameron chose this moment to butt in. "They were quite annoying and were a source of distraction for some from our true purpose out here," he rather snottily interjected. Oh, Charlie's roommate was asking for it.

"I thought the girls brought out the best in us. Dead Poets Society has probably hit a new record for love sonnets in one night." Charlie was really stretching it now.

Absentmindedly, Knox's mouth quirked. He'd spent most of this meeting running his mind over Chris, and all the sappy poetry helped. "I don't mind the girls being here. Just saying."

Charlie beamed through the fog at his newfound ally. He'd always liked Knox. Less so after he had become ridiculously obsessed about the rich chick, but he still liked the kid. They both had hearts accustomed to quick passions that overruled their ability to calmly assess a situation. At least, that's the conclusion that Mr. Keating had come to.

Todd figured he'd keep quiet alongside Pitts. For one, he wasn't as athletic as the other boys and so struggled to keep up. For another, no one would listen anyways. Instead he moved closer to Neil to offer his figurative moral support by literal proximity. Or was it to draw comfort off of him? Todd couldn't tell.

Interpreting this more as a wordless cry to stop Charlie, Neil dead-panned, "They aren't coming back to that cave again, Charlie."

Bitterly, Charlie aimed a kick in the ass to Cameron and grunted, "Fine."

"What the hell was that for?" exclaimed the indignant redhead.

"Don't look at me; that was Anderson."

Todd's eyes bugged as he frantically shook his head and tittered, "no", but it was all in vain since Cameron merely ran further away from Charlie and muttered, "I'm not stupid." It wasn't clear if he was aware and chose to ignoring or was oblivious to the sniggers around him after he made the statement.

~Kachow~

Eventually the boys had all sneaked back inside and tiptoed into their respective rooms to lower their heartbeats. In Todd and Neil's room, Todd was changing in the bathroom as the braver boy waited impatiently outside to brush his teeth (already jammied up). "You're such a girl, Todd."

A meek sorry was heard. Neil continued, "Why can't you just change out in our room like the rest of us?"

At that moment, Todd came out in his plaid flannel nightwear. He countered, "Why can't you just wait two minutes?" He expected that this would make Neil drop the matter. When Todd used his sharp voice, people tended to leave him alone.

Neil, unfortunately for his roommate/mouse hybrid, was not a boy easily cowed or beaten. "Because the two minutes you waste on your modesty are two minutes I could be doing something productive. You wouldn't want to be the cause of my grades lowering, would you? Which would probably make my father have a heart attack." A laugh accompanied his words, but he couldn't rid his eyes of the pleading look they adapted whenever his father was mentioned.

Todd was tempted for the umpteenth time to pry and order Neil to confess exactly how his father was making him feel then assure him that everything would be alright, but refrained. He could never speak so frankly to anyone. A simpler answer was given. "I'm not comfortable with _anyone_ seeing me undressed. Nothing personal."

As if to make up for his lack of easy whimsy, Neil playfully asked, "What've you got to hide, Anderson? Some horrible birth mark running down you back? Half a leg burned off? Three nipples? Come on, you can tell me."

Todd found that he really did want to tell him- even more than he wanted to laugh it off and sleep. It took only two words as he walked out the bathroom door. "Baby fat."

His companion stared for a startled moment then roared with laughter, inspiring two or three groggy "shut ups!" in the room bordering them. Todd's ears turned scarlet in the moonlight. Affronted at not being taken seriously, he stiffly marched straight to bed. Neil pounced after him with cat-like agility, aiming to lift the pj's in order to see this "baby fat" that was so shameful. It took him a minute or two longer than it should have, but Todd's sheer will power spurred his resistance into a whole new level. Finally Neil straddled him with one hand wrenching Todd's arms to the headboard while the other busily tried to stuff the plaid cotton shirt up past his face. Todd sucked in resiliently when Neil succeeded.

"Unclench."

"No," slightly muffled by the heavy fabric.

"Unclench."

"Get off me."

"Why?"

"Do you really think I went through all that trouble of pinning you to this bed to let you go free now?" Inspiration struck Neil as Todd's left knee unwittingly bucked against Neil's lower crotch (reminding him that he did, in fact, have balls). "This looks kinky. What if someone found us like this? We'd get kicked out. You willing to risk it?"

Curses streaming out under his breath, Todd reluctantly let his little pudge flop. Neil patted the defeated boy's stomach affectionately as he hopped off. "See, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

Todd had not moved at all and gave no sign of life besides his tummy moving up and down with each breath of air. Neil reached over to pull the shirt off of his head. A bright red face met his filled with the expression of intense hatred. Neil smiled down gently. "It's adorable. Do you promise to change in the open now?"

"Go to bed." Neil thought it sounded ominously like 'Go to hell'.

A theatrical sigh was emitted from Neil. "Alright. Sweet dreams, chub."

~Kachow~

First attempt at writing fanfiction. _I_ like it, but that's probably just because it's my own writing- I think too highly of myself. Criticism is appreciated.

I hate it that he calls him 'chub' at the end (he's far too kind for that), but I couldn't think of a better way to end it. And don't mind that Todd's such a wuss in front of everyone else but braver in front of Neil, I think it's sweet that way.

Pretty sure I'll finish this story out (I have fourteen chapters written out with one to go), but it might take me a while and it's not worth it anyways. Sorry if it stops halfway through for longer than you're willing to wait.


	2. Chapter 2

Here's part two for you. I like to write my stories down in my diary instead of typing them, but this story took enough effort that I thought I'd stick it up on the internet fridge. Er, disregard that last bit. What I'm trying to say is that I have to type all these up and it's a huge pain in the butt. There's fourteen chapters that I have written, one final chapter that I have yet to come up with. I have no idea how I want it to end. Sad endings are my favourite, but these characters deserve happiness… Believability also is vexing me for this last chapter. I suppose I'll just deal with it when the time arises. Or if no one cares, I can just leave it open ended. It'll probably end up that way. 3

~Kachow~

Snow soon began to dust the ground at Hilton providing a common new enemy for the students and faculty to face. It gripped their bones, permeated their thickest sweaters, and caused infinite noses to run and run and run with excess mucus. Neil in particular was caught sick, as was Charlie. All of their M's turned into B's and coughing was constantly a nuisance for those around them. Keating had an entire day where his only instructions were to chat loudly enough to cover the "insufferable caustic exhalations". He himself hid in his office attached to the classroom to enjoy a well deserved cup of tea. Instantly, the DPS commandeered a secluded corner from a few jocks- all except for Todd, that is. He sat in his usual desk pretending to read his Latin textbook. In actuality, he was reflecting on how stupid he must look which quickly morphed into morose thoughts on life in general.

At first, this escaped everyone's notice. But as Charlie told a dirty joke and searched his small audience for that flushed, God-fearing twink, he found that Todd was still in his usual desk. "I'mma fetch Anderson. DPS gotta stay together, ya know?" he announced, then swaggered over to stand in front of his target. "You coming over to join us, or are you gonna sit here by yourself?" Charlie asked abruptly.

Todd glanced up as if in mild surprise, but he had heard those shoe clink closer and closer in the arrogant saunter that was distinctly Charlie. "Charlie-"

"It's Nuwanda."

"Nuwanda," he said, keep his eyes on the bridge of the nose of his adversary, "I h-have to sit this one out. S-sorry."

Charlie made a thumbs down sign while making a buzzer noise. (A/N: I think I got this from the movie where Keating does this to Charlie. All subconscious, didn't mean to steal that bit. Weird, huh?) "Ehh- wrong answer. Try again."

"No, r-really, I don't understand this stuff at all. You go on b-back, they're waiting for you."

Reminded of the attention he could be having laid upon him, he nonchalantly concluded, "Suit yourself," and strutted back.

Neal had been watching the encounter, curious as to how Charlie dealt with shy things like Todd. Not well, judging from Todd's thoroughly miserable expression and Charlie's quick retreat. Neal decided that he'd have a go with the terms being if he failed to lure Todd over to the rest of them, he'd keep the lonely boy company whether he asked for it or not. He sat down next to his roommate and peeked at the textbook. Upon further examination, he punched Todd's arm with some strength.

"Excuse me?" A startled Todd asked.

Neil revealed, "We did that chapter three weeks ago and have already tested over it."

Colouring as usual, Todd weakly replied, "Can't a boy have a thirst for rememorizing Latin on his own?"

"Why won't you sit with us, Todd?" he inquired frankly.

"Stuff to do…"

"Well obviously. Looks like you're _very_ busy pretending to read material we are no longer held accountable for." Sarcasm dripped.

Todd threw him a helpless look. "I'm doing fine over here, I don't understand what the big fuss is about.

Exasperated breath. "You can't go your whole life in secluded silence, Todd. 'Carpe diem!' Seize the day, starting with sitting by the best friends you're ever going to get at this God forsaken school." He paused for a long moment as if searching for the next line in his motivational speech as Todd waited politely. Instead, Neil sneezed into his arm.

"Bless you."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

It was Neil's turn to wait now. He needed Todd to give him some feedback. Todd was aware of what Neil was doing and shifted his weight uneasily. Being in charge of a conversation was too much pressure. "Why can't I?" he finally settled with.

"Why can't you what?"

Todd played with the pattern dotting the cuffs of his shirt, clarifying, "Why can't I be alone when I feel like it. I'm happy."

Skepticism danced across Neil's features. "You're happy? Then why the pained expression whenever anybody but I- the one you're forced to room with- speaks to you directly? Why are you so uncomfortable with your so-called baby fat that you change in the bathrooms for gym? Why is all your poetry so angsty?"

Suspicion. "You've been snooping through my personal belongings."

Dignity. "How else was I supposed to get to know you?"

Blind anger. "You have no right to do that, Parry."

Desperate rationalization. "I wasn't about to room with a boy that could've been harboring secret desires to kill me."

Annoyance. "Come _on_, that was weak."

And finally, defeat. "Fine. I snooped because I thought you were hiding something great. I was right! You're talented with words, there's no doubt about that in my mind. Why don't you speak up and let everybody else know?"

Todd broke a bit then, half wild with the fear that Neil knew who he was. "All thoughts leave me when I'm around the guys. I'm so focused on observing how normal boys are that all original thoughts flee." He pulled at his stubby hair in frustration. "I'm not saying this is right. And I don't really understand it myself. But I can't help my silence or being a loner. Sorry. Hurry back, they'll miss you- their fearless leader."

A fierce look came into Neil's eyes, counteracted by a lopsided grin. "Nope. I'm talking to you now, it would be horribly rude to leave in the middle of a conversation."

His companion couldn't help but shyly mirror Neil's toothy grin. Todd hated how Neil could cheer him up when he was in the glummest of moods. Can't a boy sulk in peace? Heaving a sigh, Todd resigned himself to enjoying the rest of the hour.

~Kachow~

My chapters are annoying and short. :/ What I wouldn't do to be a good writer! Oh well. You'd help me out by leaving reviews with comments like, "Hey, make them do this." Or "Hey, that part was bad." Or even "Hey, your style of writing could use such and such." Come on, I'm practically writing your reviews for you, get on it!


	3. Chapter 3

I kind of thought I was a genius when writing this chapter. In fact, I was pretty sure I was a genius throughout the whole ditty. When I look back, though, they're mostly just embarrassing. Are any of you writers the same way?

Changes: I don't know if he's tried out for the play already. Gah. I've watched it six times and I still don't know the order of the plot. It's no fun being an idiot. :/ Anywho. For the purposes of this fiction, I'm going to say he already tried out for it.

Bahaha, here's my diary entry for the next day: "Well? Huh? Was that good? I thought it was good. Did you see it coming? I should post this online. Damn, I feel good. 12:00." Then in the next paragraph: "Actually it sucks." Then I rambled on about my personal life. XD

~Kachow~

Two boys in their room lounging on their beds. One leaning against the headboard, the other curled underneath the blankets. Both waiting for the other to broach the subject of what had just happened. Realizing slowly that Todd would never initiate a conversation such as this, Neil plunged in. "Did you see it coming?"

Too quickly, as if he had been waiting on tenterhooks for the moment Neil would speak, "No." A pause. "You?"

"No." More silence. Awkward, stilted silence. Todd couldn't stand it. He broke the silence, saying, "I just don't understand why he told us so artlessly."

Neil frowned thoughtfully. "I guess he's trying to tell us that we shouldn't treat it as a big deal. And he thinks there's a lesson to be learned in this."

"What lesson? How to alienate a classroom in the space of two seconds? How to become an outcast? How to get expelled from the school?"

Quietly, Neil said, "How to act upon what you believe in no matter what others think of it."

"But do you still see him in the same way? Does he remain your hero?" Todd insisted.

"Of course. Mr. Keating is a man I'll always look up to- regardless of his chosen sexual preference."

There you have it. Earlier that day, John Keating had announced he was gay. Charlie had been rifling through a playboy magazine in his usual place at the back of English, which sharply got confiscated by the teacher. Angry and embarrassed of being caught by the only elder he admired, he had spat, "Why're you stealing that? Get your own porno to wank off to."

Keating didn't miss a beat. "Sorry to disappoint, but I don't "wank" and if I chose to partake in the activity, it certainly wouldn't be to women."

The sound of an entire classroom's jaw dropping made no noise. Keating's weary smile made no noise. Staring at the unfamiliar man made no noise. Cameron's derisive "Ew" made a noise.

Return back to the present, if you will. Todd was a bit bothered by something Neil had said. "Chosen? I don't think a guy can choose to like other, um, men like Knox can't choose to love women. Er, I suppose just Chris for now."

Neil cocked his head thoughtfully. "You really think so? I'll believe that too." Todd felt a rush of affection for his dark-haired friend. He didn't get to bask much in the sunny glow of changing someone's mind, but most of the moments when he did included Neil. The mercurial boy continued, "That's funny that he picked a DPS meeting day. D'you think he knew?"

"No, I think it just was the right moment. He does know that we'll talk about it, though. And that we'll spend a good deal of time wrapping our minds around it," Todd said.

"My mind is _trying_ to wrap around it, but it's not big enough. Like your blanket of truth that couldn't cover both toe and chin," he teased lightly.

"Knit yourself a bigger mind blanket." The blonde surprised himself by how natural his response sounded. He was even more astounded by how he hadn't been planning that for weeks.

"As if I knew how to knit yarn, let alone mind threads."

"There's this magical thing called a book, filled with all sorts of information."

"Oh, can it, you. I doubt they have many books at knitting at Hilton."

"Hellton, I believe you meant."

"You're getting as bad as Charlie." He took up an over-exaggeratedly manly voice in mocking spirit. "It's Nuwanda, not Charlie."

"Damn right it is," proclaimed the authentic Charlie Dalton who had just stepped into the room. Todd and Neil jumped and relaxed in the same breath. Neil asked, "What're you here for? We're not leaving for another hour."

Charlie glowered. "We're apparently not leaving at all. In fact, we're not leaving ever again according to Dick the dick. 'Do you seriously want to follow in the footsteps of a fag?' he said to me."

Thunder and lighting shone in Neil's eyes as he opened his mouth furiously to let out a storm of words. Todd perceived it brewing and saw fit to intervene for a moment. "H-have you talked to the rest of us about it yet?"

"Some. What do you think about it, Anderson?"

Put on the spot like that, Todd wasn't so sure he wanted to commit in a word. He shrugged noncommittally. Neil shot daggers out of his eyes and said with a certain degree of vehemence, "Todd Anderson, you were just talking about how he couldn't choose to be gay. How can you blame him for something he had no power over? He's hindered by his sexuality- a simple matter of what he loves. We have no right to judge him."

Charlie piercingly commented, "Like how your dad has no right to judge you for going out for the play?"

It was too far. "Go, Charlie. We'll talk tomorrow." Todd was a bit frightened by the tone of voice Neil chose. Nonetheless, mumbling an obstinate "Nuwanda", Charlie made a hasty exit.

Immediately, Neil turned an accusatory glare at Todd. He angrily asked, "What the hell was that for? Of _all_ the dirty rotten times to completely lose your voice, you pick the time to stand up for what you believe in. I know for a fact that you still want these meetings and still respect Keating."

Todd briefly contemplated holding his ground and fighting back. He even had the words picked out: 'I'm saving it for when we're all together. No use trying to convince someone who's already convinced.' Instead, he meekly murmured, "Sorry."

The fight hadn't left Neil yet. "'Sorry'? '_Sorry'_? That's all you got? Give me a break. You heard what he said. Stop letting life pass you by!"

Even more submissively, he hushed, "Shhh. Nolan'll hear us."

"I will not 'shhh'." The thunder and lighting could barely be contained in the barrier of Neil's eyes now. Soon it would spill into the room and incinerate the poor boy on the opposite bed. Neil got out of his covers to sit sideways on his bed with his back to the wall, cross-legged. All the better to face Todd, who was doing a fantastic job cowering. "Spineless. Aren't you upset?"

As much as he was loathe to admit, that hurt Todd. A lot. He mirrored Neil's position so that they were on the same eyelevel and facing each other. "I may be a coward, but I will not be a coward that lets his friend rage at others when the friend in question isn't quite sure what he feels on the subject."

"What are you talking about? Of course I know how I feel about Mr. Keating."

Todd shook his head. "No, you don't. You didn't have a clue until about 10 minutes ago. You need to sleep on it."

A soft smoldering filled Neil's eyes rather than the violent electric storm. Good, he was calming down. He weakly protested, "But they're trying to disband the club over all this."

"We'll talk to them tomorrow. Nothing is permanent," Todd soothed. Boistered by success, he made a bold move next. "And, if we're being perfectly honest, I think that this isn't the real issue you're dying to scream about."

A wary, guarded look filtered through Neil's ever-changing eyes. "Oh really."

"Look, I know you've been really stressed about the play and your father if he ever found out, but that's no reason to look for a go with Charlie."

Instantly, Neil's eyes turned into unreadable obsidian. Even though a small, sinking party of him registered the fact that there could be truth in the advice. "Good night. We'll both be calmer in the morning."

Todd discontentedly ran a hand through his hair. "'Night."

Both boys slid under the covers and curled up with their faces to the wall. The rustling of covers made noise. Their minds fraught with disturbing, new thoughts did not.

~Kachow~

How about this for a change: I'll leave a few questions in each of the ends of these and if you're reading, you don't have to review about the story at all but instead answer the questions. I'd like to know a) if I have any readers and b) what type of people they are. If you're reading this after it's all been completed (or it's in the middle), then please leave comments answering whatever questions you liked at the end of reading. This'll be fun, right? Right? I feel like this isn't going to work out as well as I had planned. Oh well. It doesn't hurt to try.

Questions:

~Do you know any foreign languages?

~What's your favourite fanfiction?

~What's the cutest thing that's ever happened to you?


	4. Chapter 4

I was just rereading my other chapters, and I just now realize how self-pitying I sound in my author's notes. I am so sorry! It really gets old; I'll start working on not being an idiot about that from now on out. In other news, I was also rereading my story as it is printed in my diary. When I looked at the first chapter, I started laughing because I had titled it "Lemons". I remember now that I had written it initially to be a little one-shot PWP. Hehehe… the lemon part of this fic is probably my least favourite part now- both to write and to read.

~Kachow~

One last meeting in the cave had been accepted, if only to figure out exactly what everyone wanted to do about the situation. They came without the book, food stash, and carefree anticipation. They merely ran without speaking to the cave and sat in their usual places. Neil led the meeting, focusing all his energies on glaring at them all in turn and beginning without preamble, "Well. Are you all set on giving up already?"

The boys glanced around uneasily at each other, still too shaken to form coherent positions. Cameron was exempt from this feeling as his parents had already given him a rather stilted lecture about homosexuals just a few years ago; he knew _exactly_ what they would want him to do and was banking on the fact that his friends were all very moral at heart. Charlie admired all things different and couldn't bring himself to reject his favourite teacher, even if he had embarrassed Charlie in class. Cameron was first to speak out of the pack. "I don't get the point of this meeting. Merely being alone in this cave with you guys makes me feel fruity."

Neil quickly shot back, "And you didn't feel fruity before?"

"Of course I didn't _know_ I felt fruity at the time. One of my weaknesses is that I am totally naïve to the world of gay men."

Charlie snorted derisively and said, "You're so defensive. Could it possibly be that you're confused about your own sexuality? Worried that you could change to fucking men just because you're stuck reading poetry in a small space with boys? Didn't know you were so horny."

Only Charlie's over-bright laughter followed this, which Todd took to be a very bad sign. He, himself didn't much care about Keating's sexual orientation but would be heartbroken if these meetings stopped. Now everyone was so serious (minus Nuwanda, of course)… so scary. It put Cameron in a terrible mood, and instead of shaking off the sharp jibe he blubbered heatedly, "I am _not_ a sodomite. You know that. In fact, I could never be gay. It's a sin. And following the footsteps of a fag is the stupidest decision we could make."

Charlie attempted in vain to shoot daggers out of his eyes. The recipient held the gaze coolly. Meeks ventured carefully, "I don't know what to think. Cameron's right about Keating sinning, but I'm not sure what that means for us." Pitts nodded in agreement as he always tended to do whenever Meeks spoke.

Cameron sensed a pair of potential allies if he could play his cards right. Everyone had given up on Knox a while ago when he refused to participate in their conversations, instead choosing to focus on brooding and looking all-suffering. It was assumed that he'd side with whatever the majority agreed on. "Meeks, I know you're feeling weird and uncomfortable with all this. Stick with that gut feeling." He rapped on his chest twice in quick succession, continuing, "Are you willing to go to hell for the sake of reading poetry with boys? Read poetry on your own, if you must."

Rolling his eyes, Charlie argued, "You're not going to hell for reading poetry. If you're Christian and believe in all that shit, you'll go to hell for ramming you dick in another guy's asshole. Last time I checked, that wasn't a requirement for the Dead Poets Society."

Cameron shouted out in frustration, "It's not about what's required, everyone knows that that's not a rule. It's about what example we're following and what it means in the long run."

"What does it mean in the long run, oh master of all knowledge?"

"It means that we're all the more susceptible to Keating's own corrupted ways of the mind." There was a certain degree of pride in Cameron's voice as he voiced his thesis.

Meeks bit his lip. Pitts whined, "It feels funny, now. Being here. Dirty, maybe."

Todd spoke up, giving Charlie a chance to rest. "Sitting in a cave r-reading poetry is what we've done all y-year. Nothing's changed except our teacher told us he was a h-h-homosexual, not n-necessarily because he was in Dead Poets Society. I s-still like him, even if the r-rest of you are so willing to abandon our captain."

Frankly, it stunned them all to hear this show of speech-impeded bravery from Todd. Cameron wasn't about to give up so easily, though. "He's no captain of mine," he bit out.

Neil had been uncharacteristically quiet through all this, waiting to save his bit for last. The condescension in Cameron's voice forced him to speak out. "I don't understand how you can turn your back on our captain in his fullest glory. He has shared a personal aspect of his life which may get him fired if the right people get told. Yet he still chose to tell us. Why? There's a message he's trying to send, and I think I'm starting to figure it out." Deep breath. "Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't only mean to live each moment as if it were your last. It means not living your life as a lie if you've got the guts. Keating's got the guts. Do you? Do you have the guts to pursue Dead Poets Society, or are you going to live out a lie and pretend this never happened?"

Bitterly, Cameron mumbled, "Sucking the marrow out of life? He's just wanting to suck penis…"

All at once, everyone started raging at the twerp besides Todd, who merely glowed to himself. Everyone was united against Cameron; the Dead Poets Society was safe. It struck him as odd, though, that a seven minute conversation was enough to resolve the fate of a matter that had them all so riled up before. But that was the way of boys, so he let himself just float on the fact that he would continue being part of an exclusive club. He glanced around at all of them as they continued to peck away at the weaker and weaker red head; all of them could be counted on as friends.

~Kachow~

"I still say we should kick Cameron out. What an offensive little git," Neil complained bitterly to the bathroom door as he waited for the ever modest boy to change. All the DPS members were safely back in their respective rooms. After many threats to beat Cameron to a pulp, they had agreed to keep the meetings proceeding as usual. A grumpy Cameron had declared himself in, claiming that he needed to keep an eye on them.

Todd loudly answered from inside, "I don't think it really matters. He's afraid of what this all means, is all."

"I hate him," Neil snarled rather viciously.

"Don't."

"Why?"

Todd opened the door and walked out of the bathroom looking up to meet Neil's eyes fleetingly. "Hatred doesn't become you."

Neil stood stock still for a moment, examining what was happening to his body at the present time. Spike in heart rate, flushed cheeks, endorphins firing off in his head. Not being a total bonehead, he was forced to characterize these traits as signs of feeling attracted.

A frown jumbled Todd's features. "Weren't you wanting to get in?"

Neil realized that he had been standing in confusion for near a minute. "Yeah. Sorry." Hurriedly, he shut the door, running the shower as he squatted against the wall to wait for Todd to go back to sleep. Perhaps this was only an after effect of standing up for gay Keating. He had heatedly backed up homosexuals that day… it was only natural that he should feel this for a short-lived flash. There was that issue of actually liking the feeling, though; it took all he had not to grab the feeling and hold it to his heart. Instead he was forced to thrust it away from him and clutch his hands around his knees, pretending like his mind was a blank piece of paper. He finally turned the faucet off and clambered into bed with his back to a sweetly slumbering Todd Anderson.

~Kachow~

Questions: What's the first fanfiction you remember reading? Do you believe in love at first site? Who has been the most influential person in your life?

I'm really excited about these questions…I'm kind of a listener in real life, and I love hearing other people's stories. Um. But yeah, I wanted to reply to some of the kind reviews I got:

HeadinTheClouds13: When I first got your comment, I was so excited because I had known you from the comments you leave on other DPS stories and I've read a good chunk of your "How to Live Like A Dead Poet"… you've gained celebrity status from me. Thanks for the corrections in plot which I just randomly overlooked. I also will not fix them because I am lazy. (I like your cute moment an incredible amount.)

Wolfie: I did have a tough time starting these out and appreciate that you took the time to notice. As I stated above, I had originally meant it to be a PWP and all these chapters were just add-ons that came about, which is kind of why they seem so random. I will try to fix that, though, a little bit when I can. Latin? That's amazing!

Thanks to Fjffg, too. 3


	5. Chapter 5

I guess I haven't updated for a while, you know? But I'm finally in college now, where I can write and write and write without having to sneak around on my computer at home that I wasn't allowed to upload fanfictions on. Haven't read this in a long time, I think this might've been written a little under two years ago… crazy.

~Kachow~

Neil spent the week closely examining his feelings for Todd. What he surmised didn't please him: He was gayer for Todd Anderson than Knox was in love with Chris. There was no way around it, and he was frankly baffled as to how he didn't see it before. When Todd studied, Neil stared. He loved the vulnerable, thoughtful face with the cornflower blue eyes that could be so single-mindedly perceptive or so spastic with fear. He loved the almost invisible curve of the baby fat that Todd attempted to hide by crossing his arms often and wearing loose-fitting shirts. He loved the movements Todd's hand made as it flashed around taking notes or writing poetry. Todd was lefthanded-something he'd never cared to notice before.

But more than how appealing Todd was visually was his over-timid personality. Neil couldn't stand how beautiful Todd's fear of everyone was. How stupid he felt when he said anything. How firmly convinced he wasn't good enough. How he seemed to require protecting that he was all too ready to accept from an overenthusiastic Neil.

The poor newly created homosexual didn't know how to deal with this. Though he was willing to embrace others having this… problem, he sure wasn't ready to deal with it himself. He had never looed upon a fellow Christian male in that "special way", and would've had his eyes scooped out if he did by his father.

Ah, there we have it. His father. Neil wasn't too concerned about going to hell, was sure he could deal with the grief from his friends if they ever found out, and stoutly paid no heed to how he would feel if Todd could never be persuaded to feel anything back. His father, though… That was a different matter altogether. He wasn't sure he could bear the abhorrence the man would have of his son if he knew. So he vowed never to let his father get a whiff of his sexuality.

Speaking of sex, on this point Neil's confusion reached its peak. There were so many whispered tales of desperate boys trying not to go blind. What exactly did he want to do to Todd? What did he want Todd to do to him? Neil always tried to quell his little fantasies the moment he realized they were happening because he figured they were probably very unrealistic. The totality of his sex life included one encounter with his cousin Anne's slutty friend who gave him a blowjob last summer- He still counted himself an almost-virgin.

Todd, on the other hand, wasn't sure what to make of Neil's new interest in him. He was aware of Neil's constant need to stare at him, he just couldn't make out _why_. Obviously Neil was concerned for him, but why did he start looking so closely now? So Todd thought. And thought. And thought.

And thought.

On a chilly (although all the days at Welton were Chilly) Tuesday morning in study hall, it dawned on him. He looked up from his notes to find Neil's eyes on his own and laughed embarrassedly with an undercurrent of relief. /Neil thinks I'm gay!/

It made perfect sense. This started when Keating outted himself, and Neil must have taken his bashful, blushing support as signs of – er – homosexual tendencies. Neil was presumably trying to figure out whether or not Todd liked him, which explained a good deal of the furtive staring. And he was so protective because he was trying to show his bumbling roommate that he would accept him. The puzzle pieces fit so neatly together.

Neil's eyes had hastily turned to his own work after the brief eye contact. Todd recaptured his attention, saying too quietly for anyone but Neil's finely attuned ear, "I'm not gay."

Again they made eye contact, Todd smiling softly and Neil startled into a blush. Stupidly, he responded, "Yeah?" As if they were discussing the weather and Todd had said it would be cold tomorrow.

"Yeah. So you can stop staring at me and being all protective, I guess."

/There's no mistaking it,/ Neil thought in agony. /He knows!/ "I can't help it. I want to stop – trust me – but I don't think I can."

Todd stretched his smile wider to be more reassuring. "I know it's hard to get an idea out of your head once it's been ingrained in. But I could do without all the extra attention from you." He understood that protecting people was simply in Neil's nature.

Neil's dark eyes bore into Todd's causing his smile to lilt. "I _told_ you, I can't help it!"

A hint of impatience crept into Todd's voice. "I don't get why you're so distressed about this. It's not that big of a deal."

/He knows, but he doesn't _understand_./ the voice in Neil's head moaned. "It's not?"

"No." He confessed, "A guy at my last school thought the same thing as you, and once we cleared it up, life was peachy keen."

"I'll try to stop staring and 'protecting', okay? That's all I can promise."

It was a start. Todd didn't quite get why Neil couldn't accept that he wasn't queer, but he believed that Neil could grow to see the truth in time. "We're good, then?"

"We're good."

Todd went bck to work with a newfound peace. Neil went back to work with a newfound misery. Todd didn't feel anything back and treated him as if he wasn't serious about it. All of the sudden, life seemed a lot colder at Welton.

~Kachow~

It gets better, I promise. It used to be a lot longer, but I went into vivid detail that was completely unnecessary for Neil's sexual confusion and frustration that made his love too mature for what I was looking for, so I ended up deleting most of it. Anyone have any pets?


	6. Chapter 6

It occurs to me now that I have almost no chapters with Mr. Keating in them. This is probably the only time you'll see him in this whole thing, so appreciate him while you have the chance! Also- is it super distracting that I obviously don't have a beta? I've been thinking about finding one. It's a little late in the game for finding one since by the time s/he actually starts helping it'll be about halfway done, but if it's unbearable without one I'd like to look into that.

~Kachow~

"So I have this friend-"

"Come now, Neil, you're a man. You can admit your problems without the use of a 'friend'."

Keating and Neil were sitting in the professor's quarters, surrounded by books stacked in disorderly piles. The dim lighting gave it a cozy, inviting feel. Neil _needed_ a second opinion on his current situation, and who better than a man that went through similar problems himself? As awkward as it was to talk like this to a teacher, something had to be done. With a feeling of reckless abandon, he asked, "When did you know you were gay?"

Keating, who had been leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees leaned back and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. "Oh, so it's one of _those_ problems." A curt nod met this. Keating matched him in solemnity, but added a touch of comfort. "I'd have to say the moment I knew I was gay was when I heard a member of the DPS- Matthew Sental- read an original poem. I never would have been able to fathom this boy capable of such deep thought had I not heard it with my own ears; he was built similar to Mr. Pitts, you see."

"What happened?" Neil asked, eyes bright with expectant hope.

"Nothing. I had not grown to full potential until my late thirties, and I had no one to turn to. I jeered at homosexual jokes along with the others while secretly daring to yearn for love from another man."

Expecting an affirmative, Neil asked, "Do you regret it?"

"Hard to say. Life is much harder this way, and tenfold more difficult as a teenager still new to life. Are you sure the way you feel is more than a passing fancy?"

Neil let the thought steep for a moment. "I'm pretty sure. I can't shake the feeling, and girls have never really attracted me the way they should."

"Never say 'should' in that way, Mr. Perry. The way you feel isn't wrong- at least I my books. Love is love. When did you know?"

"When Todd told me that hatred was unbecoming on me," he answered honestly.

Keating raised his eyebrows, whistling low and soft. "Mr. Anderson? That's rather unfortunate for you as he is your roommate."

"Yeah," he said in reflex, then looked down at his clasped hands as he admitted, "He found out since he's so perceptive. He let me down lightly… I don't think he takes me seriously at- at all." His eyes recaptured Keating's as he hiccoughed slightly in his words, smiling as though he could trick his teacher into thinking everything was fine.

Creased eyebrows in mild disbelief were seen. "That doesn't sound like the shy, serious boy I know. Perhaps he can't bring himself to believe that anyone can feel things for him. Still, you would think he would at least try to balm your feelings. Anyways, there's not much you can do besides hope that one day he'll learn to see you in a different light. You never know, people are often all too willing to reciprocate affection."

Neil nodded glumly. He cleared his throat and said, "I don't want to be queer. My father would never accept this, just as he hates my acting."

An uncharacteristic blast of anger passed over the teacher's face. "For now, mind what you think. If you can stave off the feelings, more power to you. It'll save you a lot of pain. If you can't, you are always welcome to talk to me."

Yet another nod from Neil. "Thank you, sir, this means a lot to me." 

"Anytime, Mr. Perry, any time."

~Kachow~

Neil's journey away from Keating's office was much different than his walk to it. There was a calmness in his step replacing his previous desperate stride. It gave him a certain degree of happiness to know that he was not alone. When a small noise made him jump, he realized he literally wasn't alone. He stood stock-still to hear if it was a teacher or student. There was the sound of… Sniffles. Probably a student. He figured he ought to check on whatever poor soul was out there. Following his ear, he was led to the outside of an empty classroom. Upon listening closer at the door, he stiffened in shock. Todd Anderson comforting a very distraught Charlie Dalton? He dared to peek in.

Todd was cradling Charlie in his arms on a pair of desks, the latter looking as if he had thrown himself forward, the former rocking back and forth slowly. Jealousy leapt sharpy hot in Neil's veins, and he made his presence known without thinking clearly. "What the hell are you two doing?"

Guiltily, the two boys broke apart. Charlie merely straightened up faster than he might have otherwise, but poor Todd had overjudged the distance needed to free himself from Charlie and fell backwards off the desk. "Ow!" he muttered dazedly from the floor.

Charlie angrily wiped the tears from his face and yelled archly, "What does it look like we're doing?"

Neil's eyes widened at first, but then narrowed accusatorily to settle on his roommate still scrambling up from the floor. The hurt in the gaze cut Todd deeply. Todd supposed he'd feel hurt too if his roommate lied to him about something as important as being a homosexual, which was what the situation appeared to indicate. "Neil, it's _not_ what it looks like. I'm comforting him as a friend, nothing more."

Suspicious looks to the two boys were given. Finally Charlie sourly admitted, "Alright, Todd's speaking the truth. He found me crying like a baby and I told him my fucking life story. Kapeche?"

Neil wasn't convinced. "Why would he find you if you were in an abandoned classroom after curfew?"

Sheepishly Todd answered, "I like to write poetry alone."

Neil gave in, walking over to Charlie. "What's wrong?"

"Long story short, my little sis's got leukemia."

Compassion filled Neil's heart to the brim, and he forgave both boys fully. He had met Allyson a few times before. He was always amazed by how different Charlie was around her – sweet, caring, almost mature. The loss would hit him hard. "Damn it, Charlie, why didn't you tell us?"

He growled, "It's Nuwanda." Continuing, "I thought I could keep it to myself. I don't want any assfuck's pity. Abruptly, he jumped off the desk and exited the room. "Thanks, Todd."

Todd and Neil stared at each other for a moment. Todd ventured, "His family's pretty torn up about it, and from what I've gathered his little sister might've been the glue keeping them all together."

Neil affirmed this with a nod. "I don't get why he's so willing to pour it out on you."

"Right place, right time."

"I suppose. If Cameron'd walked into that, though, he'd've gotten a death sentence rather than a boy crumpled up in his arms crying."

Todd smiled, which turned into a sort of grimace as he recalled their initial meeting this evening. "You looked so betrayed when you found us like that. Don't ever look at me like that again, it's haunting."

"I can't make promises, Todd. The best thing to do is stop giving me reasons to give you that look."

"I'll do my best."

Neil could hardly stand the affection radiating out of his heart at the moment. "Lets go to bed before Nolan catches us." The boys scurried back to their room.

~Kachow~

I've decided that I very much do like this chapter. Keating is fun to write, I spent a long time trying to figure out how to make him sound wise in a non-patronizing way. Did it work? And this is the question I want to know the answer to most in my questions quest thus far: Who's your OTP? Rattle off as many as you want as long as you put them in a numbered list.


	7. Chapter 7

Hello again, folks. It's been a while since I last updated. I was so excited to get to college because I heard you have tons of free time and I thought that I could post the rest of this story really fast instead of just meekly posting every few months… Not the case. Finals are coming up soon, so I'll probably be posting a ton more in order to avoid doing real work. Cheers! Also as a warning, this is the reason for the M rating. First try at smut, so, uh, don't blame me for all the cringe-worthy moments.

~Kachow~

Neil was having a tough time dealing with his attraction for Todd. Of course he was, you knew that. Nonetheless, the problems were all that existed in his young mind… Well, that and acting. He often combined the two, coaxing Todd into running lines with him. Bliss could be achieved in these few hours. Todd was a terrible actor with his problematic stammer throughout the majority (all) of the reading, but Neil would have it no other way. It had taken him a while to pluck up the courage to ask for Todd's help. He imagined it was awkward in the worst way for Todd to have to spend so much time with a boy he knew was attracted, but the he acted no differently than before.

Now that we mention it, Neil was impressed and shocked at how Todd was taking this. He would have bet all his money that Todd would have avoided him and become irreversibly weirded out, but the boy had no intelligible difference. Neil came to the conclusion that Todd still thought the burning in his heart was a passing fancy.

One day when they were idly going through lines, Neil decided that enough was enough. It was time they talked about it again. "Todd."

The boy in question stopped midline and worriedly asked, "Was it really that bad? Sorry. I'm trying hard, you know I am."

Neil shook his head. "It's not that."

"Oh. Then what is it?"

They were in the cave on separate rocks during the afternoon break. Neil reflected that the faint sunlight filtering through Todd's golden hair made him look angelic. So perfect. He shook his head roughly- even inside his own mind he was stalling and putting off this moment of reconfession, for lack of a better word. "You know what we discussed in study hall, like, a week and a half ago?"

Todd grimaced and crinkled his paper. "I remember."

"You're not taking it seriously enough," he proposed frankly. Immediately he regretted the words. They sounded so much less dramatic and respond-able out loud… What was Todd supposed to say to that?

Red blossomed everywhere. "I am."

"Then why are you so comfortable around me? Literally nothing has changed in you." He stopped for a moment, thought about what he said, and continued, "Not that I want anything to change. I like you the way you are. But it's strange, because I don't understand how you can go about life the way you always have when you know how I think about you."

"I can't help that you think I'm gay, Neil," he responded quietly.

Neil burst out, "No, it's nothing like that. I don't like you because I think you're gay, I'm attracted because you're so damn wonderful!"

Both boys went silent. Todd's eyes were bugging out of his head as he furiously worked to process what Neil was saying. Neil screwed his eyes shut tight as he internally kicked himself for being such a sop. This was meant to come out so much more suave, so much less like a middle school romance. When Neil finally opened his eyes, he snapped, "Aren't you going to say anything?"

"Are you serious?"

"You're acting like this is a surprise," Neil spat out rather sharply.

"Ummm, last time I checked, friends didn't just announce their secret crushes on other friends in a dark c-cave." Poor Todd's voice started to tremble again as his bashful side took over.

Neil was upset enough over how events were going that he didn't quite grasp what Todd said meant. In fact, this whole affair was moving too fast for him to properly explain things and it made every word out of his mouth rash and rushed. "Last time _I_ checked, there was nothing secret about my 'crush'. You had already let me down in study hall."

Realization started to dawn on Todd. "No, Neil. In s-study hall I was just t-trying to tell you I wasn't gay. I d-didn't know your stares and p-possessiveness were because you had feelings for me. I thought it was because you were trying to w-watch out for me."

"Oh, hell. Todd, I didn't want you to find out like this."

They stared at each other for a moment, and then the hysterical laughter hit them.

A good ten minutes were spent this way, rolling on the floor clutching their stomachs. There's something perversely hilarious in knowing you've been acting overly macho or supremely unattracted for a week all in vain. It came to an end, and they were side-by-side, looking at each other loosely and getting the very last of the giggles out.

Todd was struck by the surrealness of the moment. Someone cared for him- in _that_ way. He never thought it would happen. Why would he waste this opportunity, then? A body was a body, and Todd was starving for attention. So, bolstered by Neil's searching gaze, he reached over and brought that dark head in for a kiss.

~Kachow~

Neil's mind almost exploded. Almost. The soft lips he so adored pressed upon his own, moist and unsure. Todd's hands were keeping Neil's cheek from the floor and supporting his back. Neil was simply tasting and reveling in these pleasure he had nearly convinced himself he was never allowed to feel.

Suddenly he felt a hand leave his back to cup his half-hardened member. He broke the kiss and gasped, "Todd!"

Todd paid no heed, moving his hand in small circles. Neil's hips started to buck, and he knew he didn't want to come yet. He needed Todd to feel this first. He scooted away a bit, not knowing how else to get him to stop. Todd looked regretful. "I thought you liked it."

"You bet I do. But I can't let you make me come first. I started this; I get to make you come first. May I, um-"

For once, Neil seemed at a loss for words. Figuring that Todd would yell if he didn't like it, Neil moved over to the boy still laying on the floor and started working at the belt on his pants. He kept his eyes on what he was doing. He didn't want to see the disgust on Todd's face when he figured out that he wasn't going to give a simple hand job…

His mouth encompassed it, tongue swirling, cheeks taut. A low stream of whimpers were emitted from the golden boy, unintelligible to Neil. But they turned him on. It _had_ to mean Todd was loving it. He got faster and faster as Todd's whimpers turned more ragged and erratic until they contrarily formed coherent words. "Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop, I'm so close."

Neil complied, but was so aroused himself that he started rubbing himself on Todd's leg through his clothes. Neil groaned as the new sensations hit him, which sent vibrations through his mouth. "Neil!" Both boys came at about the same time; Todd in Neil and Neil a moment later in his own pants. When Todd gathered his wits, his first words were, "Spit it out."

Neil swallowed disobediently, an eyebrow arched.

"Why'd you do that?"

"I told you I'm serious, Todd. Serious enough to not be squeamish about things like that. Serious enough to _want_ to swallow."

"This feels wrong."

Neil tried to hold him in a warm embrace to comfort him, but Todd shrugged him off. He frowned and asked, "What about it feels wrong? I love loving you, and I'd be happy if you were only liking me back half as much."

The words hung in the air for a good two minutes. Todd asked slowly, "You love me?"

Neil had never been more sure of anything in his life. "Yes."

"No, Neil, you don't. You're attracted. We've only known each other for two and a half months, and I don't think you've ever even had a real crush before."

Neil sat back on his rock. Todd stood up and faced a wall as he worked on putting his pants on properly. "So? There are some things you just know."

"Why didn't you say you loved me _before_ we came?"

"If I recall correctly, a certain someone started sucking face too quickly for me to talk about feelings." He countered roughly, angry at how irrational Todd was being.

"I wish I hadn't," Todd said as he turned to face Neil.

He immediately turned contrite."Don't start doubting this all now, that's not what I meant."

Todd glared and asked, "Who will doubt if I don't? You're so willing to go on these- these passing whims without questioning. I'm not going to deal with a broken heart, Neil, not even for you."

Incredulously, Neil wondered, "Are you saying that if you don't chicken out, _I'll_ leave you? Todd, you idiot, this is your damn inconfidence speaking. Realize this!" It was incredibly frustrating to know that Todd wasn't disgusted and possibly returned his feelings with fervor… they were thwarted by a lack of basic trust.

Todd flared up. "I'm being cautious, not inconfident. This is exactly how you are with acting. You do it without thinking of the consequences. What will happen when your father finds out?"

"When he finds out? He won't. But you are like acting in that I'm risking everything to enjoy you because you're worth it."

"We'll speak later. I'm done with this for the moment."

Never had Neil heard Todd sound so authoritative. He had no choice but to agree as Todd started walking out of the cave whether Neil was with him or not. Sighing unhappily, Neil tied his scarf around his waist to try to hide what they had done and traipsed after him.

~Kachow~

Wish I knew how to write stuff like this. Anyone got any tips on how to make this better? I would truly appreciate the help. And I'm very glad of all your lovely reviews, they make my day every time I get one. As for questions, how old are the lot of you? Any of you have boyfriends? Rant to me about them, either in PM or on an actual review. Should I use these beginning and end spaces to give a little blurb about my own boyfriend, or would that be boring? Thanks!


	8. Chapter 8

I don't write outlines because the weird ways the plot twists as I write are much more interesting. This one is not one of them. It turned into a Mary-Sue fic near the end, I'm very sorry about it. It gets better, though, so just bear with me for this chapter.

~Kachow~

Back in their dorm, Neil attempted to continue the conversation in vain. No matter what he said, Todd would not respond. Instead, he stubbornly marched over to the library and slammed the door shut behind him. AKA, 'Don't you dare try to follow me, Neil Perry, lest I be forced to murder you.' Neil complied unhappily.

What would he do? Sit around and mope? No, he needed to talk about the best and one of the worst hours of his life with someone. If it couldn't be Todd, he supposed he'd mosey on over to Keating. There weren't really any other options, however awkward it may be to discuss sex with a teacher.

~Kachow~

Neil knocked twice softly.

"It's open"

There was a pause filled with the sounds of metallic jiggling. "Umm, sorry, sir, but I'd have to disagree with you on that one."

Mr. Keating chuckled and strode over to help the boy. When it was finally open he ushered him in and said, "My apologies. I suppose I may be more concerned about burglary and trespassing than previously known."

Neil grinned half-heartedly. Keating observed, remarking in feigned nonchalance, "Where's that trademark Neil Perry grin? Something seems to be the matter?"

"Yes, Captain." He sat down on a chair while its owner settled on to the edge of his desk. "It's about Todd."

"Did anything happen, or is it the difficulty of keeping this to yourself?"

Neil twiddled his thumbs as he stiltedly recounted, "Well, we went out to the cave today to run lines, and I was so angry because I thought he was not taking my affections seriously that I sort of yelled out how I felt. As it turns out, he didn't know beforehand, and I had just outted myself to him." Keating's eyes filled with compassion and mirth. Daring a glance up into their blue depths, Neil hastily stared back at his fingers to tell the next part. "Then we, ah did stuff to reach our climax." He turned red then, wondering if it looked as good on him as it did on Todd. The older man allowed no flicker of emotion to slip through, but he was surprised and a little impressed. Anyways. "Things turned sour. Todd kept claiming things felt wrong and that I can't really love him. I tried to assure him that I did; that it was solely his lack of confidence speaking; but now he's resolutely refusing to speak to me. Please help."

An answer was ready astonishingly quick. "I can't make him see how you feel. I can't take back all that has happened. I can't even be sure that what you are feeling is really love. I can give you this: Life will go on. You may feel you spend each day in agony, but at least you can realize what a pleasure Mr. Anderson is and treasure every moment. I suspect he'll come around in time. In the meantime, I suggest you talk to someone else about this. I know elders aren't the best to speak with about sexual matters. You are invited, of course, to continue talking with me. Lord knows I need the excitement."

Neil's grin reached a smidge further on his face. It wasn't quite the raw pleasure it usually embodied, but it was a start. "Captain?"

"Yes?"

"Have you ever been in love?"

"Many a time."

"What does it feel like?" The open innocence of the question pulled at Mr. Keating's heart strings.

"It feels like having a purpose. A constant thought you can rely on to cloud your mind at the most inopportune moment. Anxiety when you are distant. An uncontrollable satisfaction when you are near. The drive to be the best you can be. The need to tell someone your weaknesses. At times, even the breath of air after you've been underwater... Boring you yet?"

The boy's attention was unwavering. "No. I identify. Please continue."

Another chuckle escaped the teacher's lips. "I think I won't today. Run off now and do some thinking or talking with a boy close to your age."

"Aye aye, cap'n."

~Kachow~

Neil padded silently through the halls searching for Charlie, his best friend. If eccentric, rule-bashing Charlie couldn't accept him, he didn't know who would."... I swear, that's nothing but that truth."

An instant stop was in order. The object of his affections was telling a story- no doubt the story- to someone in the same empty classroom Neil had previously caught him and Charlie in. Instead of leaping in out of jealousy, though, he waited outside to eavesdrop.

Catcalling. "You two seriously went the whole way."

Charlie? Again? Apparently the two had grown closer than he thought. It made sense that they would meet far away from the other boys for secrecy. He was very glad that he hadn't told Todd where he went; Todd would've picked a classroom on the other side of the building if he knew that Neil would be out and about in this wing.

He listened more closely as Todd hurriedly interrupted, "No, no, no- I told you, we didn't have sex, he gave me a blow job and I... I provided him a leg to rub on."

Neil's ears burned at this. that dry humor he had come to adore used against him. Charlie roared with laughter. "The sexiest leg he ever did see."

"Why thank you." Todd? Allowing himself to be called sexy? Envy found reason to ignite in Neil.

"You're welcome."

There was a small awkward silence. Todd broke it. "Well. What do you, um, think?"

"I dunno. From the looks of it, it sounds like you really hurt the poor fella," Charlie speculated vaguely."

I think he'll get over it soon enough. He means well, but there's no way he could ever in a million years love me. Maybe this'll all blow over with time."

Neil refrained from stamping his foot in frustration. That twit was still stuck in 'I'm nobody' land. He needed to get the fuck out. Charlie surprisingly came to his rescue. "Give the guy some credit. If he says he loves you, why not try believing him?"

"Because that's stupid," It was an immediate answer, which made it very clear that he refused to even think about it."

That's not a reason at all. And we haven't even talked about how you felt about it yet. My ears are open, I promise. You did me a good turn when you comforted me." Neil giggled to himself. He could just picture Charlie's hands reaching up to non-existent stubble as he always did when he was embarrassed. He could've kissed the boy for asking Todd how he felt.

"You sure you want to hear this?" Typical Todd to draw out the moment he had been so eagerly anticipating.

"No, I want to walk back to my dorm and give Dick a foot massage. Yes, I want to hear about it, that's why I asked you in the first place. If you're queerer than a duck's ass, I'd be alright with that." Again, envy tugged at Neil's heart. He had never heard Charlie so compassionate, and they were supposed to be best friends. Todd brought out something special in him... His suspicions heightened over their relationship.

"I guess I'm not sure yet. I was supposed to hate it. But it feels so good- NO, not the sex part- okay, yes the sex part- but more the feeling of being wanted by someone. I dunno, is that weird?"

"A bit. You're so damn inconfident, you don't let yourself just feel. I let myself just feel. And right now, I feel like I wanna kiss you. You gonna let me feel? You gonna let yourself feel this kiss?"

Neil was spitting with rage, so much that he opened the door to reveal his position. "I heard that, bastard."

~Kachow~

I forgot how bad this part is. I really don't mean to do these overly dramatic things, but the bad writer in me is just bursting to come out! Oh well. Hope you enjoy it secretly. We all have our guilty pleasures, right?

Thank you again for the lovely reviews! I'm not one of those people that asks for reviews in order to post more chapters, but they do send me an email and it reminds me of this story and it really makes my week when I see feedback. Let me know who your favorite pairing is, any universe.


End file.
